just when i am on a roll, i am back here, wondering about my career all over again. although this time it is relatively drama free, as in "i" decide, still to have to make a decision again so soon.
side-bar: so i found all the letters that "Khalil Gibran" wrote to me when i was sequestered at Uni. volumes worth, they were racy, sweet, poignant, witty and most of all, highly welcomed. we didn't even so much as kiss, yet the sudden invocation of that 1mysterious summer... worth a bottle of your finest malt.
i just want the universe to know, demon free, i have lost my edginess, and hence my fetish for writing about the dark. gimme a niche already??
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
lelia awakened...
she had been asleep for hundreds of years. and then finally she had been awakened. to her surprise a mortal man had come for her. he was tall and lean, and hard in his muscle tone, yet she sensed a great vulnerability in his approach towards her. his mere touch awakened the yearnings that had lived deep within her belly. she remembered what it was like to be a mortal woman.
she shook her head gently, confused and trying to remember. her deep slumber had been induced by her new father, Ismay. when she had been unable to assimilate the yearnings that the night brought on, and her conscience did nothing to dissipate her kills, as it had naturally happened in her makers and their brethren. instead she had felt the guilt of taking a life almost as immediately as the gratification of feeding on the mortal.
she had tried to keep to the untouchables. the ones that even the priests would not bless. those that swept the streets, and lived in the shadows, the ones suffered the poverty of having no status in a cruel society, the ones that embraced death, as it would start their kharmatic cycles yet again, and hopefully to a better place. yet with each fresh feed, with each mortal she exterminated, that last heartbeat caught deep within her throat chocking her, and it resonated in her soul, and she found herself wandering for days at end after carrying the burden of their deaths, inviting the final death for herself as she grew slowly insane.
that is how her new father had found her, sitting in the streets of Calcutta, awaiting the morning sun, ready to embrace her final death, and he had to use every ounce of his inhuman strength to subdue her and to house her secretly in the labyrinths he knew would be untouched for the next centuries to come.
her new father visited her often, ensuring her capture was inescapable. he kept her well fed, and eventually he gave in to her howling demands of feeding on animals only. she slipped peacefully into a routine of survival then, salving her mind with the justifications that they were not human kills, and that men were safe from her.
and now this man, he stood before her in the great moon. he was magnificent. his chiseled features, his warm torso. he rolled her out of her chains without flinching, and at last she was free from her silver shackles. she stood up slowly, savouring the feel of being on her feet. she stretched luxuriously, feeling every bone in her back, and then Lelia blinked carefully into the soft glow of the candle light.
"what brings to you here, and to awaken me..." Lelia drawled, fascinated.
~a fictional piece by amreeth~
she shook her head gently, confused and trying to remember. her deep slumber had been induced by her new father, Ismay. when she had been unable to assimilate the yearnings that the night brought on, and her conscience did nothing to dissipate her kills, as it had naturally happened in her makers and their brethren. instead she had felt the guilt of taking a life almost as immediately as the gratification of feeding on the mortal.
she had tried to keep to the untouchables. the ones that even the priests would not bless. those that swept the streets, and lived in the shadows, the ones suffered the poverty of having no status in a cruel society, the ones that embraced death, as it would start their kharmatic cycles yet again, and hopefully to a better place. yet with each fresh feed, with each mortal she exterminated, that last heartbeat caught deep within her throat chocking her, and it resonated in her soul, and she found herself wandering for days at end after carrying the burden of their deaths, inviting the final death for herself as she grew slowly insane.
that is how her new father had found her, sitting in the streets of Calcutta, awaiting the morning sun, ready to embrace her final death, and he had to use every ounce of his inhuman strength to subdue her and to house her secretly in the labyrinths he knew would be untouched for the next centuries to come.
her new father visited her often, ensuring her capture was inescapable. he kept her well fed, and eventually he gave in to her howling demands of feeding on animals only. she slipped peacefully into a routine of survival then, salving her mind with the justifications that they were not human kills, and that men were safe from her.
and now this man, he stood before her in the great moon. he was magnificent. his chiseled features, his warm torso. he rolled her out of her chains without flinching, and at last she was free from her silver shackles. she stood up slowly, savouring the feel of being on her feet. she stretched luxuriously, feeling every bone in her back, and then Lelia blinked carefully into the soft glow of the candle light.
"what brings to you here, and to awaken me..." Lelia drawled, fascinated.
~a fictional piece by amreeth~
Friday, October 22, 2010
paid my bills...
in a short 30 minutes this morning, and loving it! i actually am breaking "even" and God knows how i have waited for this moment.
hence the struggle to keep away from that credit card binge i can feel in the pit of my stomach, every time i think of that pink Brietling.
onto other matters... i am soo looking forward to tomorrow morning and to starting my day and to heading out to visit my dear dear friends. i know that we are truly the cluster of souls that God put together, with careful consideration, and i look forward to the continued healing.
and to jump again... i am thinking of that novel, the one that has lurked just behind my membrane, all these decades, just waiting to be discovered and to be fleshed out. to be introduced to the endless minds and imaginations of like souls. imagine what it would be like. to finally get published.
i think though, the one constant genre that i could really produce, would have to be under a strict pseudonym if i stick to it... imagine the familia reading my erotica? hmmmm!!! but then again, maybe i have lost that slant altogether and may have to reinvent myself.
exciting, the possibilities...
hence the struggle to keep away from that credit card binge i can feel in the pit of my stomach, every time i think of that pink Brietling.
onto other matters... i am soo looking forward to tomorrow morning and to starting my day and to heading out to visit my dear dear friends. i know that we are truly the cluster of souls that God put together, with careful consideration, and i look forward to the continued healing.
and to jump again... i am thinking of that novel, the one that has lurked just behind my membrane, all these decades, just waiting to be discovered and to be fleshed out. to be introduced to the endless minds and imaginations of like souls. imagine what it would be like. to finally get published.
i think though, the one constant genre that i could really produce, would have to be under a strict pseudonym if i stick to it... imagine the familia reading my erotica? hmmmm!!! but then again, maybe i have lost that slant altogether and may have to reinvent myself.
exciting, the possibilities...
Friday, October 15, 2010
one sided...
it is amazing how i have carried around a one-sided love affair for well over a decade now. my backbone of who he will be, the one, has completely washed out of any future life choices i may make now.
i have carried around this image of love, and of his face, and have chapters dedicated to how my soul mate will find me and how i will find him right back. and now, it has all come down to romantic love being just a fantasy.
my Dad was right. in life, you can't just wait for the fireworks to light up your sky to know for sure, and to get the move on. maybe there just aren't the fireworks to begin with, and that Bollywood has killed the real life opportunities that i have dismissed, waiting for these unrealistic signs. i know that Dad probably meant the magic will be in your heart, but if you get too busy looking up at the sky for the brilliance, you may miss the murmurs of their exploding deep within.
i think that one can hope with all one's heart and soul, and kiss all the frogs in the world, and yet the prince you imagined would be holding your hand at 42, he still sits in the romantic comedies you DVD, always a tissue box away.
real life heroes, they just don't dance like Shahrukh Khan, or flash their pearly whites like Matthew Mcconaughey, or flex their rain soaked muscles like John Abraham...
i have carried around this image of love, and of his face, and have chapters dedicated to how my soul mate will find me and how i will find him right back. and now, it has all come down to romantic love being just a fantasy.
my Dad was right. in life, you can't just wait for the fireworks to light up your sky to know for sure, and to get the move on. maybe there just aren't the fireworks to begin with, and that Bollywood has killed the real life opportunities that i have dismissed, waiting for these unrealistic signs. i know that Dad probably meant the magic will be in your heart, but if you get too busy looking up at the sky for the brilliance, you may miss the murmurs of their exploding deep within.
i think that one can hope with all one's heart and soul, and kiss all the frogs in the world, and yet the prince you imagined would be holding your hand at 42, he still sits in the romantic comedies you DVD, always a tissue box away.
real life heroes, they just don't dance like Shahrukh Khan, or flash their pearly whites like Matthew Mcconaughey, or flex their rain soaked muscles like John Abraham...
an acceptance of new beginnings...
the simplest of ways to say it. where i am right now. yet the repercussions these crossroads encourage, are tantamount to ripping myself out of me, and becoming some stranger i don't completely believe i am built to be.
it all boils down to this request to the universe, my request, and it has lead finally to my moonstone, and then to the niggling start of gentle and pushy conversations around arranged marriages. i am not ready, and i doubt i will ever be ready mentally, and so i am happily embracing my state of denial.
salam.
it all boils down to this request to the universe, my request, and it has lead finally to my moonstone, and then to the niggling start of gentle and pushy conversations around arranged marriages. i am not ready, and i doubt i will ever be ready mentally, and so i am happily embracing my state of denial.
salam.
Friday, September 17, 2010
on wearing black and being a beatnik...
so walking along in my head,
snapping my fingers to my own rhythm,
i contemplate wearing black (which i always do),
and to chanting a poem, succinctly, i am cool.
i think i am sometimes just too way ahead,
and the crowd wants me to just confine,
to grow to the natural speed of a 4th gear,
i choose instead to ease back into 2nd.
it allows me to just be,
apart from the greed,
a part of the powers that be,
and i feel myself healing at my own pace.
so i say to you, boldly and with conviction,
snapping my fingers, cruising along,
accept me, do, i am merely me,
but i am so here to stay, ME.
snapping my fingers to my own rhythm,
i contemplate wearing black (which i always do),
and to chanting a poem, succinctly, i am cool.
i think i am sometimes just too way ahead,
and the crowd wants me to just confine,
to grow to the natural speed of a 4th gear,
i choose instead to ease back into 2nd.
it allows me to just be,
apart from the greed,
a part of the powers that be,
and i feel myself healing at my own pace.
so i say to you, boldly and with conviction,
snapping my fingers, cruising along,
accept me, do, i am merely me,
but i am so here to stay, ME.
my 100th...
my 100th posting :) so truth be told i logged on tonight, merely to gripe and to artfully whinge. but seeing that i was at 99 posts and this was my 100th(!), a smile crept onto my face, tugging at the corners of my soul. i reluctantly and then quite cheerfully conceded that to gripe at this historical "post" would be a sacrilege.
so i will park my feelings that i am not always good enough for someone or another, albeit they only have my best interests at heart. i would rather just appeal to the powers that be, to guide me into tolerance, and a sense of calm. i am living my life, and i am happy this way, so accept me. if i am not growing fast enough, maybe it is because i am not watching your time lines my critics and those that love me so you just want me to do better.
i am gently meandering on my own path to life. karma cleansing, celebrating a balanced lifestyle, almost going backwards at times i know, but always with the fresh wonderment that i am here, in my own skin, with only my own voice inside my head. i would almost dare to whisper that i apologize i cannot be the person you see me to have the potential to be. but i dare to shout, from the rafters, i am merely ME, and i am exactly where i need to be at this stage in my life.
so i remember to breathe, and i am holding my head up, pride emanating, and resonating in my secret plans...
so i will park my feelings that i am not always good enough for someone or another, albeit they only have my best interests at heart. i would rather just appeal to the powers that be, to guide me into tolerance, and a sense of calm. i am living my life, and i am happy this way, so accept me. if i am not growing fast enough, maybe it is because i am not watching your time lines my critics and those that love me so you just want me to do better.
i am gently meandering on my own path to life. karma cleansing, celebrating a balanced lifestyle, almost going backwards at times i know, but always with the fresh wonderment that i am here, in my own skin, with only my own voice inside my head. i would almost dare to whisper that i apologize i cannot be the person you see me to have the potential to be. but i dare to shout, from the rafters, i am merely ME, and i am exactly where i need to be at this stage in my life.
so i remember to breathe, and i am holding my head up, pride emanating, and resonating in my secret plans...
Friday, August 20, 2010
memories.
my grandma passed away on the 3rd of August. she was 96. and had spent the last 9+ years in a home. the last year or so of which she was bedridden and uncommunicative.
everyone that came to pay their last respects to grandma had an individual stylized mental snapshot of her, a personal story that warmed their hearts, a sliver of who she had been. before the senile dementia, even before the paranoia had begun.
i believe that now finally, my grandma is free, and that she has spent her decade of hell-on-earth-years eradicating any lingering karma she may have had to carry forward, and that finally she is safely in heaven. the memories that hit me 2.5 weeks later made me smile, laugh, shake my head, and even cry. i think if one parks any negative vibes, and holds on to only the good, then everyone has "the" memory that they can hold on to with the deepest love, and respect.
Mr. Twit surprised me. i collapsed at my grandma's final prayers (14th of August), i think as a result of an overwhelming couple of weeks, and having experienced a low sugar level, i fell in the final moments of the final prayers. Mr. Twit came to sit right by me, and talk to me, and stayed with me until i was all better. he broke the boundaries of us not talking for a year, of coming to sit amongst the women, just to sit gently on the floor with me. maybe grandma wanted us to be closer, or at the very least act civil in public.
Mrs. Twit was the usual class-act-bitch that she was born to be. the memories i keep with me about Mrs. Twit, even when i discard the mean times, and all the negativity with her?? hmmm... i have the same silly sense of "why???" "whyyyy or whyyyyy am i in the same family with her?" i think so that i can never make the mistake of being her friend :) thank you grandma, for showing me this even in your last moments, what really matters the most. and that being finally estranged from Mrs. Twit is not a bad thing at all.
God Speed Mahji xx
everyone that came to pay their last respects to grandma had an individual stylized mental snapshot of her, a personal story that warmed their hearts, a sliver of who she had been. before the senile dementia, even before the paranoia had begun.
i believe that now finally, my grandma is free, and that she has spent her decade of hell-on-earth-years eradicating any lingering karma she may have had to carry forward, and that finally she is safely in heaven. the memories that hit me 2.5 weeks later made me smile, laugh, shake my head, and even cry. i think if one parks any negative vibes, and holds on to only the good, then everyone has "the" memory that they can hold on to with the deepest love, and respect.
Mr. Twit surprised me. i collapsed at my grandma's final prayers (14th of August), i think as a result of an overwhelming couple of weeks, and having experienced a low sugar level, i fell in the final moments of the final prayers. Mr. Twit came to sit right by me, and talk to me, and stayed with me until i was all better. he broke the boundaries of us not talking for a year, of coming to sit amongst the women, just to sit gently on the floor with me. maybe grandma wanted us to be closer, or at the very least act civil in public.
Mrs. Twit was the usual class-act-bitch that she was born to be. the memories i keep with me about Mrs. Twit, even when i discard the mean times, and all the negativity with her?? hmmm... i have the same silly sense of "why???" "whyyyy or whyyyyy am i in the same family with her?" i think so that i can never make the mistake of being her friend :) thank you grandma, for showing me this even in your last moments, what really matters the most. and that being finally estranged from Mrs. Twit is not a bad thing at all.
God Speed Mahji xx
Monday, March 15, 2010
my Lord Ganesha
He shields and protects me.
He removes my fears, my doubts and all my obstacles.
He loves me for who I am.
He keeps me future focused.
He is my constant companion.
He removes my fears, my doubts and all my obstacles.
He loves me for who I am.
He keeps me future focused.
He is my constant companion.
change is so...
invigorating.
scary.
uncertain.
tentative.
immediate.
need to stay...
focused.
positive.
strategic.
diplomatic.
driven.
want to at times...
scream + shout.
hit someone.
tell the world how frightening this all is for me.
tell the world how excited i am at this door opening.
to where? who knows!
but from what? HELL.
scary.
uncertain.
tentative.
immediate.
need to stay...
focused.
positive.
strategic.
diplomatic.
driven.
want to at times...
scream + shout.
hit someone.
tell the world how frightening this all is for me.
tell the world how excited i am at this door opening.
to where? who knows!
but from what? HELL.
Monday, February 22, 2010
it's a short week...
with Friday being a public holiday and all. bliss :) i am heading home to the Island to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday this week-end. so double reason for blissfulness :)
i am even beyond meeting Mr & Mrs. Twit over Mom's birthday dinner. i am that happy, just to be going home (to have a home), to see Mom & Dad, to be a little girl all over again.
i think there is a lot to be said for jade, lavender, green and otherwise...
i am even beyond meeting Mr & Mrs. Twit over Mom's birthday dinner. i am that happy, just to be going home (to have a home), to see Mom & Dad, to be a little girl all over again.
i think there is a lot to be said for jade, lavender, green and otherwise...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
comings and goings
often you meet someone that starts to exist, only in your mind. and you don't even realize this. and then it's just too late. i mean he is real. for all intents and purposes. other people see him. your friends know him. he even comes and goes. eats. craps. fucks. works at a job. is on facebook. but you accidentally start creating fantasy bits of him in your mind. the little things that you fluff over. to compensate. and that makes him unreal. because the person that lives in your mind, that you communicate with through the lenses of your own self-created deception, he ain't the walking flesh that covers the backbone that he was born with. he is less. he is ill-fitting against the mental prowess you afforded him. your mind is a fertile landscape that paints over all the cracks and rotting behaviors. and then you wake up. and find you were standing up, already wide awake(!). and you can't even say you were heartbroken. because he is mostly made up.
~1st post by Ariel. dedicated to The Count. written Wednesday, August 5, 2009. 10 days before cleansing~
~1st post by Ariel. dedicated to The Count. written Wednesday, August 5, 2009. 10 days before cleansing~
goodbye Ariel :)
there is a light inside each and every one of us, but the darkness of reality often gets in our way. without the dark, there can be no light, and without a way to balance the both there can be no humanity. may the light succeed.
~Ariel's profile~
~Ariel's profile~
so maybe today i am giving up to the dark?
i am sure we all have days like this. days where you just feel tired of being good. days where you just want to sit with your half bottle of Chivas and drink it in "glugs" on the rocks. days where you want to stay on your couch, un-showered staring at a (hopefully working) TV, watching images of an actor playing parts of your life, pulsing and flashing as your brain thankfully sinks into the clouds of being border-line drunk.
days where you want to rant and rave and say what you really feel. days where you want to shout out and scream and shake your wrathful fists at the people that have hurt you, that have let you down, that have made you taste the bitterness that many a time, have become your life's memories.
but instead, i woke up, lit the candles on my altar, burned some incense, said my prayers with an open heart, showered, got dressed, came into work, smiled at everyone i met, listened actively and reciprocated positively in each and every conversation i had with a work colleague.
the balance i had to reach today was that life is what i make of it. that the reality of those bitter memories have not become my life's worth. that i can only keep moving forward, and that i am exactly where i am meant to be.
its just that i need to make a conscious and daily choice of whether i step up into the light today, or stay cowered in the dark.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Friday, August 7, 2009. 8 days prior to cleansing~
days where you want to rant and rave and say what you really feel. days where you want to shout out and scream and shake your wrathful fists at the people that have hurt you, that have let you down, that have made you taste the bitterness that many a time, have become your life's memories.
but instead, i woke up, lit the candles on my altar, burned some incense, said my prayers with an open heart, showered, got dressed, came into work, smiled at everyone i met, listened actively and reciprocated positively in each and every conversation i had with a work colleague.
the balance i had to reach today was that life is what i make of it. that the reality of those bitter memories have not become my life's worth. that i can only keep moving forward, and that i am exactly where i am meant to be.
its just that i need to make a conscious and daily choice of whether i step up into the light today, or stay cowered in the dark.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Friday, August 7, 2009. 8 days prior to cleansing~
clouds of white
i often look to them,
these meandering clouds of white,
vigilant from my bedroom window.
i look hard,
and i look soft,
and sometimes i see.
those shapes of angels,
and demons,
of elephants and such.
and i smile to myself,
knowing that angels,
they sit out there still.
they watch us,
and watch over us,
as we pray and worry.
they walk beside us,
their feathered wings spread wide and free,
as we survive yet another dose of reality.
some say they have no real choices,
that they only have their wings tipped in blood,
summoned to stay the balance.
some say they are merely silent ghosts,
macabre in their observations of us,
unable to defend or enlighten as their powers have waned.
but i know from deep within my core, my resonating soul,
they do whisper gently to us in guidance,
they work incessantly to ease our furrowed brows.
they pick their battles, and when to step in,
bordering sometimes on interference within their world of rules,
but they fight hard and constantly to keep us from falling.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Wednesday, September 9, 2009
these meandering clouds of white,
vigilant from my bedroom window.
i look hard,
and i look soft,
and sometimes i see.
those shapes of angels,
and demons,
of elephants and such.
and i smile to myself,
knowing that angels,
they sit out there still.
they watch us,
and watch over us,
as we pray and worry.
they walk beside us,
their feathered wings spread wide and free,
as we survive yet another dose of reality.
some say they have no real choices,
that they only have their wings tipped in blood,
summoned to stay the balance.
some say they are merely silent ghosts,
macabre in their observations of us,
unable to defend or enlighten as their powers have waned.
but i know from deep within my core, my resonating soul,
they do whisper gently to us in guidance,
they work incessantly to ease our furrowed brows.
they pick their battles, and when to step in,
bordering sometimes on interference within their world of rules,
but they fight hard and constantly to keep us from falling.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Wednesday, September 9, 2009
personal demon
okay, truth be told? to find out that for 7 long years i have indeed had a bona fide personal demon residing inside of me, living in the base of my spine, in the pit of my stomach, free roaming behind my eye-lids, all courtesy of a bastard-ex? yes, this has been shocking!
and the many subtle and sometimes obvious interventions that have got me here, to this exact place in the space and time continuum, where i am blessed to receive these confirmation messages that said to me "yes, these voices inside your head, the ones that have clamored so loudly, negating so brutally every positive iota that your soul has ever tried to put out and for so long, they are real." yes, they were indeed real. and now IT is gone. just like that... snap your fingers, count to three!
bliss! suddenly to have a this feeling of utter contentment permeating my awakening soul. to experience such a raw silence so deep inside my brain. to meander slowly towards regaining this feeling that i am finally me again. confident that i am alone now, in my own skin... that there really is no one else inside here with me watching and waiting, constantly second guessing me, making my personal worth shrivel and decay. this has truly been a miraculously and liberating intervention by God Himself.
and this bastard-ex... to have hated me so. to have wanted to spite me so and so maliciously. yes, it was shocking when i first learnt about what he had done to me and about how long it had lingered. but it was not surprising to me. it felt instead like all the pieces of what i have been absorbing on my spiritual journey, all that i have ever instinctively known, they all fell so instantly into cuttingly jagged shards to form this panoramic blueprint of the AS IS. and all its then associated infinite repercussions of what was and what could have been and what i needed to get done.
in the end, it merely smacked of his spineless mettle. it merely resonated of his MO of constant back-stabbing and then cowardly hiding within the long shadows of evil, slinking back into the false images of being a perfect husband, father and brother. but i see YOU now with pure naked eyes. i see you for what you truly are. and you are nothing without your lies and embellishments.
and so the deep cleansing has begun. 41 days to a better me... a more complete me. the real me even.
stepping back: i sometimes wonder how many of my life's decisions did i make under the influence of a false conscience? how many harsh words have i spoken through flashes of anger that didn't belong solely to me?
i will never know. but strangely to that sentiment (of not knowing), i feel no sense of any real loss. only a slightly sore realization that my past 7 years have not been healing ones. that i have not really been walking outside in the sun. instead i have been influenced to draw the parameters of my life, my reality, smaller and closer to me. to the point that i regularly choose to stay in my bed, under my blankets, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.
bring it!
~written by Ariel; 1st published Monday, August 24, 2009. 9 days post cleansing~
and the many subtle and sometimes obvious interventions that have got me here, to this exact place in the space and time continuum, where i am blessed to receive these confirmation messages that said to me "yes, these voices inside your head, the ones that have clamored so loudly, negating so brutally every positive iota that your soul has ever tried to put out and for so long, they are real." yes, they were indeed real. and now IT is gone. just like that... snap your fingers, count to three!
bliss! suddenly to have a this feeling of utter contentment permeating my awakening soul. to experience such a raw silence so deep inside my brain. to meander slowly towards regaining this feeling that i am finally me again. confident that i am alone now, in my own skin... that there really is no one else inside here with me watching and waiting, constantly second guessing me, making my personal worth shrivel and decay. this has truly been a miraculously and liberating intervention by God Himself.
and this bastard-ex... to have hated me so. to have wanted to spite me so and so maliciously. yes, it was shocking when i first learnt about what he had done to me and about how long it had lingered. but it was not surprising to me. it felt instead like all the pieces of what i have been absorbing on my spiritual journey, all that i have ever instinctively known, they all fell so instantly into cuttingly jagged shards to form this panoramic blueprint of the AS IS. and all its then associated infinite repercussions of what was and what could have been and what i needed to get done.
in the end, it merely smacked of his spineless mettle. it merely resonated of his MO of constant back-stabbing and then cowardly hiding within the long shadows of evil, slinking back into the false images of being a perfect husband, father and brother. but i see YOU now with pure naked eyes. i see you for what you truly are. and you are nothing without your lies and embellishments.
and so the deep cleansing has begun. 41 days to a better me... a more complete me. the real me even.
stepping back: i sometimes wonder how many of my life's decisions did i make under the influence of a false conscience? how many harsh words have i spoken through flashes of anger that didn't belong solely to me?
i will never know. but strangely to that sentiment (of not knowing), i feel no sense of any real loss. only a slightly sore realization that my past 7 years have not been healing ones. that i have not really been walking outside in the sun. instead i have been influenced to draw the parameters of my life, my reality, smaller and closer to me. to the point that i regularly choose to stay in my bed, under my blankets, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.
bring it!
~written by Ariel; 1st published Monday, August 24, 2009. 9 days post cleansing~
grrrrrr...
so, our reunion dinner was a little bizarre. Mrs. Twit avoided me all night. no skin off my ass. except that she ignored my Father and Mother too, who is her Father&Mother-In-Law. so.. once again, it boils down to bad manners, low classedness, and plain ole assedness. (yeah, so i created the words in her honor!)
otherwise, i had a fabulous start to the Year of The Tiger. in fact, the Mrs. Twit incident was a little like the icing on the cake. cos it wasn't ME that finally let the side down. in addition, i visited 5 dear and long time members of my familial past, all in the 3 lightening swift days on the Island. our ex-gardener and my adopted grandfather, who turned 100 years old. my actual Grandmother who will be 96 this year (sadly however, she was the only "physical" visit we had as her mind is quite elsewhere). my Dad's ex-boss, who will be 91 in May. my 2 long standing "Aunt's" and soul-sisters to my Mom. 1 is active, alert, and still looks in her 50s, despite being in her late 70's and having lost her husband and daughter, and is still working as a counsellor. the other is also in her late 70's, has the most beautiful-happy smile despite her very bad knees, and failing short-term-recollection. she reminded me how special it is to be genuinely loved by a parent, as she spoke of her 3 kids (and 5 gran kiddies). my Mom and i swirled whiskies in our glasses as our eyes met repeatedly, every time Aunt forgot it was a question she has just asked. and we cheered often in silent awe for how fragile life is, and for how special we all are, individually and collectively.
i look to them each, for my deepest inspiration, and for the lessons i will need for my on-going future. i know that this will be a Year that will have its ups and downs. but i also know that i will focus on the ups this time around... as the Tiger roars into this Monkey's ear :)
otherwise, i had a fabulous start to the Year of The Tiger. in fact, the Mrs. Twit incident was a little like the icing on the cake. cos it wasn't ME that finally let the side down. in addition, i visited 5 dear and long time members of my familial past, all in the 3 lightening swift days on the Island. our ex-gardener and my adopted grandfather, who turned 100 years old. my actual Grandmother who will be 96 this year (sadly however, she was the only "physical" visit we had as her mind is quite elsewhere). my Dad's ex-boss, who will be 91 in May. my 2 long standing "Aunt's" and soul-sisters to my Mom. 1 is active, alert, and still looks in her 50s, despite being in her late 70's and having lost her husband and daughter, and is still working as a counsellor. the other is also in her late 70's, has the most beautiful-happy smile despite her very bad knees, and failing short-term-recollection. she reminded me how special it is to be genuinely loved by a parent, as she spoke of her 3 kids (and 5 gran kiddies). my Mom and i swirled whiskies in our glasses as our eyes met repeatedly, every time Aunt forgot it was a question she has just asked. and we cheered often in silent awe for how fragile life is, and for how special we all are, individually and collectively.
i look to them each, for my deepest inspiration, and for the lessons i will need for my on-going future. i know that this will be a Year that will have its ups and downs. but i also know that i will focus on the ups this time around... as the Tiger roars into this Monkey's ear :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
lavender jade :)
on topics that make me smile :) jewellery. Jade!!!
and the range of colors.
so after hours of googling, in summary Jade promotes:
practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others.
it rejuvenates you under periods of stress, reduces fears and banishes negative thoughts.
it's a balancing stone. harmonizer. lucky stone. offers (promotes) good health, wealth (prosperity) and love. helps you realize your full potential and attain purposeful goals.
Jade helps lift you out of stuffed-down emotional issues and bring them to light for resolution. dream enhancer. emotional healer. reduces tension. protection from enemies and during long journeys.
increases one's capacity to giving and receiving love.
it brings/gives:
CLARITY. COURAGE. JUSTICE. WISDOM. MODESTY.
Lavender Jade:
puts you in touch with your emotions. beneficial to people who have been hurt by love or need to discover the gentleness within themselves. helps one learn restraint and subtlety in matters of emotional importance. for repairing a broken heart.
White: problem solving.
Brown: for those entering a new phase of life, connects to earth, settles matters at home.
Green: for the management of passionate feelings (anger management); very calming.
don't even get me started on Opals!!!
psssst? so CNY at home with the freaking twits??
BRING IT BABY! BRING IT!
and the range of colors.
so after hours of googling, in summary Jade promotes:
practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others.
it rejuvenates you under periods of stress, reduces fears and banishes negative thoughts.
it's a balancing stone. harmonizer. lucky stone. offers (promotes) good health, wealth (prosperity) and love. helps you realize your full potential and attain purposeful goals.
Jade helps lift you out of stuffed-down emotional issues and bring them to light for resolution. dream enhancer. emotional healer. reduces tension. protection from enemies and during long journeys.
increases one's capacity to giving and receiving love.
it brings/gives:
CLARITY. COURAGE. JUSTICE. WISDOM. MODESTY.
Lavender Jade:
puts you in touch with your emotions. beneficial to people who have been hurt by love or need to discover the gentleness within themselves. helps one learn restraint and subtlety in matters of emotional importance. for repairing a broken heart.
White: problem solving.
Brown: for those entering a new phase of life, connects to earth, settles matters at home.
Green: for the management of passionate feelings (anger management); very calming.
don't even get me started on Opals!!!
psssst? so CNY at home with the freaking twits??
BRING IT BABY! BRING IT!
i am surrounded...
i am surrounded by ass-holes. and trying to get away from them is a hard thing to achieve, when you have common parents.
so there. i have said it!
and now, i am looking forward to a looong week-end of fake Colgate smiles and quiet thoughts of murder... as i face 4 days of egotistical twits that think they rock and i am anal. blah. blah. blah. i think even lavender jade ain't going to fix this one.
so there. i have said it!
and now, i am looking forward to a looong week-end of fake Colgate smiles and quiet thoughts of murder... as i face 4 days of egotistical twits that think they rock and i am anal. blah. blah. blah. i think even lavender jade ain't going to fix this one.
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