memories.

my grandma passed away on the 3rd of August. she was 96. and had spent the last 9+ years in a home. the last year or so of which she was bedridden and uncommunicative.
everyone that came to pay their last respects to grandma had an individual stylized mental snapshot of her, a personal story that warmed their hearts, a sliver of who she had been. before the senile dementia, even before the paranoia had begun.

i believe that now finally, my grandma is free, and that she has spent her decade of hell-on-earth-years eradicating any lingering karma she may have had to carry forward, and that finally she is safely in heaven. the memories that hit me 2.5 weeks later made me smile, laugh, shake my head, and even cry. i think if one parks any negative vibes, and holds on to only the good, then everyone has "the" memory that they can hold on to with the deepest love, and respect.

Mr. Twit surprised me. i collapsed at my grandma's final prayers (14th of August), i think as a result of an overwhelming couple of weeks, and having experienced a low sugar level, i fell in the final moments of the final prayers. Mr. Twit came to sit right by me, and talk to me, and stayed with me until i was all better. he broke the boundaries of us not talking for a year, of coming to sit amongst the women, just to sit gently on the floor with me. maybe grandma wanted us to be closer, or at the very least act civil in public.

Mrs. Twit was the usual class-act-bitch that she was born to be. the memories i keep with me about Mrs. Twit, even when i discard the mean times, and all the negativity with her?? hmmm... i have the same silly sense of "why???" "whyyyy or whyyyyy am i in the same family with her?" i think so that i can never make the mistake of being her friend :) thank you grandma, for showing me this even in your last moments, what really matters the most. and that being finally estranged from Mrs. Twit is not a bad thing at all.

God Speed Mahji xx

my Lord Ganesha

He shields and protects me.
He removes my fears, my doubts and all my obstacles.
He loves me for who I am.
He keeps me future focused.
He is my constant companion.

change is so...

invigorating.
scary.
uncertain.
tentative.
immediate.

need to stay...
focused.
positive.
strategic.
diplomatic.
driven.

want to at times...
scream + shout.
hit someone.
tell the world how frightening this all is for me.
tell the world how excited i am at this door opening.
to where? who knows!
but from what? HELL.

it's a short week...

with Friday being a public holiday and all. bliss :) i am heading home to the Island to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday this week-end. so double reason for blissfulness :)

i am even beyond meeting Mr & Mrs. Twit over Mom's birthday dinner. i am that happy, just to be going home (to have a home), to see Mom & Dad, to be a little girl all over again.

i think there is a lot to be said for jade, lavender, green and otherwise...

comings and goings

often you meet someone that starts to exist, only in your mind. and you don't even realize this. and then it's just too late. i mean he is real. for all intents and purposes. other people see him. your friends know him. he even comes and goes. eats. craps. fucks. works at a job. is on facebook. but you accidentally start creating fantasy bits of him in your mind. the little things that you fluff over. to compensate. and that makes him unreal. because the person that lives in your mind, that you communicate with through the lenses of your own self-created deception, he ain't the walking flesh that covers the backbone that he was born with. he is less. he is ill-fitting against the mental prowess you afforded him. your mind is a fertile landscape that paints over all the cracks and rotting behaviors. and then you wake up. and find you were standing up, already wide awake(!). and you can't even say you were heartbroken. because he is mostly made up.

~1st post by Ariel. dedicated to The Count. written Wednesday, August 5, 2009. 10 days before cleansing~

goodbye Ariel :)

there is a light inside each and every one of us, but the darkness of reality often gets in our way. without the dark, there can be no light, and without a way to balance the both there can be no humanity. may the light succeed.

~Ariel's profile~

so maybe today i am giving up to the dark?

i am sure we all have days like this. days where you just feel tired of being good. days where you just want to sit with your half bottle of Chivas and drink it in "glugs" on the rocks. days where you want to stay on your couch, un-showered staring at a (hopefully working) TV, watching images of an actor playing parts of your life, pulsing and flashing as your brain thankfully sinks into the clouds of being border-line drunk.
days where you want to rant and rave and say what you really feel. days where you want to shout out and scream and shake your wrathful fists at the people that have hurt you, that have let you down, that have made you taste the bitterness that many a time, have become your life's memories.
but instead, i woke up, lit the candles on my altar, burned some incense, said my prayers with an open heart, showered, got dressed, came into work, smiled at everyone i met, listened actively and reciprocated positively in each and every conversation i had with a work colleague.
the balance i had to reach today was that life is what i make of it. that the reality of those bitter memories have not become my life's worth. that i can only keep moving forward, and that i am exactly where i am meant to be.
its just that i need to make a conscious and daily choice of whether i step up into the light today, or stay cowered in the dark.

~written by Ariel; 1st published Friday, August 7, 2009. 8 days prior to cleansing~

clouds of white

i often look to them,
these meandering clouds of white,
vigilant from my bedroom window.

i look hard,
and i look soft,
and sometimes i see.

those shapes of angels,
and demons,
of elephants and such.

and i smile to myself,
knowing that angels,
they sit out there still.

they watch us,
and watch over us,
as we pray and worry.

they walk beside us,
their feathered wings spread wide and free,
as we survive yet another dose of reality.

some say they have no real choices,
that they only have their wings tipped in blood,
summoned to stay the balance.

some say they are merely silent ghosts,
macabre in their observations of us,
unable to defend or enlighten as their powers have waned.

but i know from deep within my core, my resonating soul,
they do whisper gently to us in guidance,
they work incessantly to ease our furrowed brows.

they pick their battles, and when to step in,
bordering sometimes on interference within their world of rules,
but they fight hard and constantly to keep us from falling.

~written by Ariel; 1st published Wednesday, September 9, 2009