i am but a broken flower,
tossing about in this wind,
where or where will i land eventually, and in what sort of a condition?
i am just flitting and flying at the mercy of these base elements.
i am scared and extremely fearful of being up here so high.
will i ever ever stop and where will i eventually land?
the rain is battering down pellets, big and hard.
my petals are bruised and quite quite broken.
i can feel nothing now except for my constant pain, it is racing down my core.
i saw my mother ahead in this flurry, she was calling and calling out to me.
and then this blustering force blew her away and again, i am all alone.
what will become of me, and where oh where will i be?
i am falling down down down, and as i hit the ground, i am dizzy.
the storm has passed, and i feel the gentle stirrings from the sun.
and i lie here in my sad state, and just wait.
i am but a broken flower.
author's note: thinking like a school girl ~ amreeth
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
camo is a shining star...
author's note: thanks to my very sweet friend David Nic i received camo's CD today. camo even wrote little notes after every song (title) that she had hand-picked/ compiled into this CD, intended to speak to us after she was gone to heaven.
so please do allow for me to present to you:
Songs Of My Life - Narelle Cameron
Turn! Turn! Turn! - The Byrds
This has always been a song that I wanted played at my funeral. "There is a time to live a time to die". Now is the time to celebrate my life.
Do You Realize - The Flaming Lips
Like the above, it's time to realize that life is short and should be celebrated. If you have this CD, it means you are special to me and I want you appreciate what life has to offer.
Breathless - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
This song reminds me of my love for Simon
Common People - Pulp
It was a difficult decision to make as to which Pulp song to include. This reminds me of England where we rented a flat above a shop and cut our hair and got a job! And of course did a lot of dancing to this song.
Wonderwall - Oasis
A classic Oasis song that couldn't be passed.
Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve
This song reminds me of my time in England. This was a time I spent with many people I loved, including my mum, who called this the drinking song. A song with a lot of memories.
Elephant Stone - The Stone Roses
Another difficult decision to make - so many Stone Roses songs to choose from. The only reason I chose this song was that it went well after The Verve, and it reminded me of dancing at Rave. Good enough reasons to me!
Vapour Trail - Ride
A lot of meaning behind this song and this band. One of the starts of my independent music 'phase' that continues.
Soon Is Now? - The Smiths
The Smiths is a band that I have long loved and danced to, especially during my uni days. Although most of the songs are 'down', they always made me feel 'up'. Don't read too much into the lyrics of this song, just the tune!
The Ballad of Tom Jones - Space & Cerys Matthews
This is a fun song that reminds me of a time at Karaoke with Wendy doing a duet, another fun night out with the gang.
Girls & Boys - Blur
What memories this song has!! A hard decision to make as to which Blur song to include, but this song won with the memory of going Bridgewater with Wendy sky diving and we changed all the words to the song. Fun!
I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor - Artic Monkeys
A newer song that I would find myself dancing to if I was able to dance again.
And you know I always look good on the dance floor!
Fell In Love With A Girl - the White Stripes
Which song to chose? Since I'm in love with the world, this seemed appropriate.
Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeah's
Another newie that would see me on the dance floor.
Metal Mickey - Suede
Who couldn't help but dance to this tune at Rave? I was always on the dance floor with my beautiful friends
Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn And John
A new song but one that is infectious with it's whistling and would have me dancing for sure!
Alright - Supergrass
"We are young, we run green", with lots of memories of dancing as well. You know, I always though the lyrics were "we are young. we are free"!! Alas!
Days - The Kinks
I thought an appropriate way to end the CD.
Thank you all for the days you gave me. I won't forget a single day - believe me!
so please do allow for me to present to you:
Songs Of My Life - Narelle Cameron
Turn! Turn! Turn! - The Byrds
This has always been a song that I wanted played at my funeral. "There is a time to live a time to die". Now is the time to celebrate my life.
Do You Realize - The Flaming Lips
Like the above, it's time to realize that life is short and should be celebrated. If you have this CD, it means you are special to me and I want you appreciate what life has to offer.
Breathless - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
This song reminds me of my love for Simon
Common People - Pulp
It was a difficult decision to make as to which Pulp song to include. This reminds me of England where we rented a flat above a shop and cut our hair and got a job! And of course did a lot of dancing to this song.
Wonderwall - Oasis
A classic Oasis song that couldn't be passed.
Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve
This song reminds me of my time in England. This was a time I spent with many people I loved, including my mum, who called this the drinking song. A song with a lot of memories.
Elephant Stone - The Stone Roses
Another difficult decision to make - so many Stone Roses songs to choose from. The only reason I chose this song was that it went well after The Verve, and it reminded me of dancing at Rave. Good enough reasons to me!
Vapour Trail - Ride
A lot of meaning behind this song and this band. One of the starts of my independent music 'phase' that continues.
Soon Is Now? - The Smiths
The Smiths is a band that I have long loved and danced to, especially during my uni days. Although most of the songs are 'down', they always made me feel 'up'. Don't read too much into the lyrics of this song, just the tune!
The Ballad of Tom Jones - Space & Cerys Matthews
This is a fun song that reminds me of a time at Karaoke with Wendy doing a duet, another fun night out with the gang.
Girls & Boys - Blur
What memories this song has!! A hard decision to make as to which Blur song to include, but this song won with the memory of going Bridgewater with Wendy sky diving and we changed all the words to the song. Fun!
I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor - Artic Monkeys
A newer song that I would find myself dancing to if I was able to dance again.
And you know I always look good on the dance floor!
Fell In Love With A Girl - the White Stripes
Which song to chose? Since I'm in love with the world, this seemed appropriate.
Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeah's
Another newie that would see me on the dance floor.
Metal Mickey - Suede
Who couldn't help but dance to this tune at Rave? I was always on the dance floor with my beautiful friends
Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn And John
A new song but one that is infectious with it's whistling and would have me dancing for sure!
Alright - Supergrass
"We are young, we run green", with lots of memories of dancing as well. You know, I always though the lyrics were "we are young. we are free"!! Alas!
Days - The Kinks
I thought an appropriate way to end the CD.
Thank you all for the days you gave me. I won't forget a single day - believe me!
Dell to the rescue
so i have done the unthinkable for me. ordered a basic PC on line. and boy, that was complicated to the max, as unlike World of Feng Shui (where you just click and drag stuff into your shopping cart) i had to do the steps the grown-up way. but all done and submitted successfully Friday night.
so step 1 is done. this Friday, i am going to buka (puasa) with LWB at MV and after our usual (i am guessing) fare of BK BK and more BK, she is going to take me on a speedy and focused shopping spree of buying the various adaptors (for power surge control lah; to allow for my wireless to be user-friendly to my PC.. or whatever) to a computer table, to my WEB CAMS.
so then come Saturday, i am guessing Dell will show up to set-up and wallah, i will have all the ingredients ready to a safe and secure household :) Dell called me as i was walking to the KLCC so i couldn't really hear the lady, but she will call back at 2:30 (i tetap lah the time) so i will push for week-end delivery, and then my SME - Mizz LWB - will set up the various devices. and i will be surfing on line to check-on that crazy-bitch-pukau-wannabe-of-508! brrrr... lucky for that insane woman i am not into "santeria" eh?
so step 1 is done. this Friday, i am going to buka (puasa) with LWB at MV and after our usual (i am guessing) fare of BK BK and more BK, she is going to take me on a speedy and focused shopping spree of buying the various adaptors (for power surge control lah; to allow for my wireless to be user-friendly to my PC.. or whatever) to a computer table, to my WEB CAMS.
so then come Saturday, i am guessing Dell will show up to set-up and wallah, i will have all the ingredients ready to a safe and secure household :) Dell called me as i was walking to the KLCC so i couldn't really hear the lady, but she will call back at 2:30 (i tetap lah the time) so i will push for week-end delivery, and then my SME - Mizz LWB - will set up the various devices. and i will be surfing on line to check-on that crazy-bitch-pukau-wannabe-of-508! brrrr... lucky for that insane woman i am not into "santeria" eh?
Friday, September 14, 2007
my nasty neighbors
too many years to count now, i have the misfortune of living next door to apartment 508. full family, includes 1 fat nasty father, 1 semi-fat nasty mother, 1 paranoid white-haired mother in-law, 3 fat nasty gangster sons, and 1 obese mutt that never gets walked and who's pee you can smell right in my living room, should i not be burning incense (which 'encourages' them to keep their window next to me closed!)
now, all the descriptors on their over-weight situation is not at all why i think they are nasty. i think they are horrendously nasty because of these next reasons... they never close a door. they slam. shoe cupboards, front doors, garbage area doors. sometimes the slam rattles my mirrors, my front door and makes IggySingh sit up alarmed. so if all 6 fat humans decide to go out for dinner, you can safely expect 3-5 repeated slams of the front door, and then 3-5 slams of their shoe cabinet as they are unable to figure this next bit out: that the next fat human is just on their way out too, so ALL can just walk-out together-gether, pick up/put on shoes, and save xx amount of slams (and wear and tear) of their front door and shoe cabinet. eureka! oh, not to mention the throwing of their shoes out of their apartment to slam hard on the corridor outside my front door, after which they shuffle out (side-to-side) to put them on.
the women of the household, so the wife and her mother-in-law are great believers in weekly visits to their family bomoh. so in addition to the slams, and smelly dog, i get the privilege of coming home after work to see what they have left outside my front door for the week. everything from: sand/gravel/small stones; to limau (lime. either whole, or sliced and diced, or even to just finding the seeds); to feathers (chicken mostly); to hair. lately, i have even had the joy of ringing bells, and the women praying over my car in the wee hours of the morning. so i walk happily to the car park to start my drive into work, and from the first door of the common car park i smell the strong smells of kemenyan (special incense) that gets stronger and stronger, to almost overwhelming when you reach my car and pause at my engine. i have even now started finding feathers on the floor of my car park.
so, all the usual reactions? been there, done that. tell the guards? what? that i find feathers and ash here and there. where's the proof it was deliberate? and not something our big winds flew in? i am thinking seriously about buying a web-cam and setting this up both outside my front door, and in my car. comments? the good news is that this has been on-going for too many years to count now, so i think my neighbors are beginning to think i am a witch myself, as my daily Ganesha prayers, full blown with the conch shells and the daily burning incense within my home, have kept me safely and exactly where i am. and i have laid (as usual) my life at His feet for His protection. so they a little scared of me.
the bad news is because they are scared, the weekly 'gifts' i find have been escalating. to think all this started as my other neighbor, 502, wrote to the building committee who then wrote to the MPPJ (our local municipal council) to have their smelly dog removed, and 508 thought it was ME! at that point of time i didn't even realize they had a dog! i was too focused on partying and my ex-boyfriend. so the sand/gravel started initially. supposed to quicken my departure by creating a sense of unease at home. and miss-clueless here just continued in my daily worship and loving my life, and now it has all culminated to the point of kemenyan in the car park. now... ahem, if i did practice Wicca... hmm... i wonder what Peggy will look like as a 2-legged fat adult Pig? fancy a pink tail there madam neighbor??!
now, all the descriptors on their over-weight situation is not at all why i think they are nasty. i think they are horrendously nasty because of these next reasons... they never close a door. they slam. shoe cupboards, front doors, garbage area doors. sometimes the slam rattles my mirrors, my front door and makes IggySingh sit up alarmed. so if all 6 fat humans decide to go out for dinner, you can safely expect 3-5 repeated slams of the front door, and then 3-5 slams of their shoe cabinet as they are unable to figure this next bit out: that the next fat human is just on their way out too, so ALL can just walk-out together-gether, pick up/put on shoes, and save xx amount of slams (and wear and tear) of their front door and shoe cabinet. eureka! oh, not to mention the throwing of their shoes out of their apartment to slam hard on the corridor outside my front door, after which they shuffle out (side-to-side) to put them on.
the women of the household, so the wife and her mother-in-law are great believers in weekly visits to their family bomoh. so in addition to the slams, and smelly dog, i get the privilege of coming home after work to see what they have left outside my front door for the week. everything from: sand/gravel/small stones; to limau (lime. either whole, or sliced and diced, or even to just finding the seeds); to feathers (chicken mostly); to hair. lately, i have even had the joy of ringing bells, and the women praying over my car in the wee hours of the morning. so i walk happily to the car park to start my drive into work, and from the first door of the common car park i smell the strong smells of kemenyan (special incense) that gets stronger and stronger, to almost overwhelming when you reach my car and pause at my engine. i have even now started finding feathers on the floor of my car park.
so, all the usual reactions? been there, done that. tell the guards? what? that i find feathers and ash here and there. where's the proof it was deliberate? and not something our big winds flew in? i am thinking seriously about buying a web-cam and setting this up both outside my front door, and in my car. comments? the good news is that this has been on-going for too many years to count now, so i think my neighbors are beginning to think i am a witch myself, as my daily Ganesha prayers, full blown with the conch shells and the daily burning incense within my home, have kept me safely and exactly where i am. and i have laid (as usual) my life at His feet for His protection. so they a little scared of me.
the bad news is because they are scared, the weekly 'gifts' i find have been escalating. to think all this started as my other neighbor, 502, wrote to the building committee who then wrote to the MPPJ (our local municipal council) to have their smelly dog removed, and 508 thought it was ME! at that point of time i didn't even realize they had a dog! i was too focused on partying and my ex-boyfriend. so the sand/gravel started initially. supposed to quicken my departure by creating a sense of unease at home. and miss-clueless here just continued in my daily worship and loving my life, and now it has all culminated to the point of kemenyan in the car park. now... ahem, if i did practice Wicca... hmm... i wonder what Peggy will look like as a 2-legged fat adult Pig? fancy a pink tail there madam neighbor??!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
but this was my ultimate BREAK UP song...
...and i would like to dedicate this to all the married pricks out there, who continue to be unfaithful. "here's to you fcktards". muahhhahaha... and i am happy to report that i do not flinch anymore! (personal liberating pat on my back) ~ amreeth
ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS for the song "FLINCH"
What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so
What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad
How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again
What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in
What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air
ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS for the song "FLINCH"
What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so
What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad
How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again
What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in
What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air
how this song ruled my every fiber... sigh, i give YOU "Purple Rain"
i was barely 16, and thought that Prince kiss (in the movie, to this song) was the ultimate thing ~ amreeth
©1984 Controversy Music - ASCAP
"Purple Rain" Album Lyrics
I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain
Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
In the purple rain
©1984 Controversy Music - ASCAP
"Purple Rain" Album Lyrics
I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain
Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
In the purple rain
this one is dedicated to the Count, who is MIA at the moment...
...do you remember this smash hit by the Fugees my Count??! i heard it on the radio the other day, and immediately thought about you (especially that bit on how she felt he had found her letters and was just reading each one aloud. sigh.) so now i think YOU, every time i hear this playing in my mind! ~ amreeth
KILLING ME SOFTLY - 08/06/1996
5 weeks at #1 - 20 weeks on chart
Copyrighted to the Fugees
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him and listen for a while
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(One time, one time)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(One time, one time)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(Yes he was)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
KILLING ME SOFTLY - 08/06/1996
5 weeks at #1 - 20 weeks on chart
Copyrighted to the Fugees
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him and listen for a while
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(One time, one time)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(One time, one time)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Strumming my pain with his fingers
(Yes he was)
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Monday, September 10, 2007
and so we have 50
50 posts that is. on my amreeth Blog.
i remember so vividly starting this Blog, my anxiety at the creation and the theme, and then i remember how i felt after my 1st two posts. and then again after my 1st short story. and then my 1st dark poem, and suddenly, i was alive again :)
i think the power of words, tumbling out into cyberspace, influencing and shaping, sharing and exposing, must be the biggest adrenalin rush there is really!
forget the F1 baby! these words that spring unbidden into my inner mind, swirling and metamorphosing, pulsing through my fingers out onto my keyboard, pushing to be published, has been my greatest self-discovery this year.
and so, onwards and upwards to my next 50.
p.s. i haven't felt like writing a short fictional since camo died, but i am hoping it will all come back soon.
i remember so vividly starting this Blog, my anxiety at the creation and the theme, and then i remember how i felt after my 1st two posts. and then again after my 1st short story. and then my 1st dark poem, and suddenly, i was alive again :)
i think the power of words, tumbling out into cyberspace, influencing and shaping, sharing and exposing, must be the biggest adrenalin rush there is really!
forget the F1 baby! these words that spring unbidden into my inner mind, swirling and metamorphosing, pulsing through my fingers out onto my keyboard, pushing to be published, has been my greatest self-discovery this year.
and so, onwards and upwards to my next 50.
p.s. i haven't felt like writing a short fictional since camo died, but i am hoping it will all come back soon.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
the uncle Sarge dream
flowers, surrounded us. hues of brilliant pinks, reds, blues and a sprinkling of lavender and yellow. and i had finally found him. the flowers made a perfect happy circle around us and we sat flourishing exactly in the middle, just him and i.
time outside the circle marched on. i could see the greys and the various shades of nightfall's black so clearly. and then the light baby blues of day-skies breaking gently. i saw the sun rise and set gloriously and numerous times either way. it even rained and then stopped abruptly.
butterflies, and birds, they flew and they chirped. a nurse waited for him outside our circle, in her severely starched white hat and uniform. it was a clean, organized English lawn we were sitting on. and he was alive and cheery, and he changed repeatedly as we spoke. from being his black-and-white self in a pin-striped suit with short thick curly black hair and his thick black round frames from days long past. to himself at 60 something and in vivid color, just as he was before his stroke, the year before he passed on.
we never moved from where sat, the two of us together, in the all encompassing circle of flowers. we were blissfully still, and only our mouths stirred. the words were there, being exchanged, rapidly at times between us. i could see that we were talking endlessly, and we were belabouring points. we were laughing at times, and then i was crying and then we were laughing all over again. he was ever calm, paternal, and loving throughout.
i felt warm and genuinely fuzzy, and i had a real sense of support and belonging. he was sharing with me finally, the universe's biggest kept secret of what happens to you when you die. the journey beyond. the process of becoming dead. the rules of afterlife and beyond. the answers to if you ever come back, and the when and why it sometimes doesn't happen. the answers to: do you get to watch your loved ones move on within their karmatic circles of life on Earth? do you get to guide them and reach out to them in dreams and whispers?
he was keeping his promise of coming back and telling me this ultimate truth. and i was with him again, sitting there just absorbing greedily. only i couldn't hear the sound of those words, from where i suddenly was, standing outside that circle watching myself within. it was like God himself had turned off the volume and moved my conscious soul into an observing silence, least He sacrifice the age old debate of life-after-death in allowing the words to filter through. yes, uncle Sarge did keep his promise of coming back to me in a dream, after he was gone from us, to finally reveal it all.
deep down, i am sure i know now, what to expect, even if i can't tell you in our man-made words. i am at peace and i know it is sitting somewhere within my subconscious, these answers to all our long debates. i know too that he is in utter bliss and that he went back to the UK. that he is walking upon his gentle green lawns, and that he dresses like a right gentleman. and that he frequents the pubs still, and everyone knows him by name.
time outside the circle marched on. i could see the greys and the various shades of nightfall's black so clearly. and then the light baby blues of day-skies breaking gently. i saw the sun rise and set gloriously and numerous times either way. it even rained and then stopped abruptly.
butterflies, and birds, they flew and they chirped. a nurse waited for him outside our circle, in her severely starched white hat and uniform. it was a clean, organized English lawn we were sitting on. and he was alive and cheery, and he changed repeatedly as we spoke. from being his black-and-white self in a pin-striped suit with short thick curly black hair and his thick black round frames from days long past. to himself at 60 something and in vivid color, just as he was before his stroke, the year before he passed on.
we never moved from where sat, the two of us together, in the all encompassing circle of flowers. we were blissfully still, and only our mouths stirred. the words were there, being exchanged, rapidly at times between us. i could see that we were talking endlessly, and we were belabouring points. we were laughing at times, and then i was crying and then we were laughing all over again. he was ever calm, paternal, and loving throughout.
i felt warm and genuinely fuzzy, and i had a real sense of support and belonging. he was sharing with me finally, the universe's biggest kept secret of what happens to you when you die. the journey beyond. the process of becoming dead. the rules of afterlife and beyond. the answers to if you ever come back, and the when and why it sometimes doesn't happen. the answers to: do you get to watch your loved ones move on within their karmatic circles of life on Earth? do you get to guide them and reach out to them in dreams and whispers?
he was keeping his promise of coming back and telling me this ultimate truth. and i was with him again, sitting there just absorbing greedily. only i couldn't hear the sound of those words, from where i suddenly was, standing outside that circle watching myself within. it was like God himself had turned off the volume and moved my conscious soul into an observing silence, least He sacrifice the age old debate of life-after-death in allowing the words to filter through. yes, uncle Sarge did keep his promise of coming back to me in a dream, after he was gone from us, to finally reveal it all.
deep down, i am sure i know now, what to expect, even if i can't tell you in our man-made words. i am at peace and i know it is sitting somewhere within my subconscious, these answers to all our long debates. i know too that he is in utter bliss and that he went back to the UK. that he is walking upon his gentle green lawns, and that he dresses like a right gentleman. and that he frequents the pubs still, and everyone knows him by name.
last night...
...i was flying. i was a super hero. i had merged with my green iguana and had her strengths and abilities, plus some super kick-ass human ones, plus an additional one of being able to fly (taken from my vampire fascination i think).
usually when i am dreaming of flying, and i get too high, i start panicking and start flailing my arms and i just fall down. last night, i was consciously flying and kept flying. i had the starting moments of panic and then i was like whatever, i better get this flying right.
and i looked below me... looked behind me to ascertain the leg movements, and just straightened out. i moved my arm forward and rearranged my hands like an ballerina in poetic motion, and wallah, i was flying. i then started focusing on flying faster and at blur speed.
i was suddenly anxious in my super hero skin. i was trying to chase something down. i was looking and seeking and finally i was in the same house. and then i was the victim. i was playing the victim, concealing my super hero prowess until i knew without a shadow of a doubt this man was the hunter we were seeking.
he thought i was weak, and then his smell changed and he stood up stronger and his eyes flashed power and hatred and he tried to subdue me. i flexed my super hero powers and ka-pow, whacked him unconscious, just as his knife came down onto my skin.
this is what happens when i wake up at 5am to pee, and then go back to "mr. sandman land" until my alarm rings at 6:15...
usually when i am dreaming of flying, and i get too high, i start panicking and start flailing my arms and i just fall down. last night, i was consciously flying and kept flying. i had the starting moments of panic and then i was like whatever, i better get this flying right.
and i looked below me... looked behind me to ascertain the leg movements, and just straightened out. i moved my arm forward and rearranged my hands like an ballerina in poetic motion, and wallah, i was flying. i then started focusing on flying faster and at blur speed.
i was suddenly anxious in my super hero skin. i was trying to chase something down. i was looking and seeking and finally i was in the same house. and then i was the victim. i was playing the victim, concealing my super hero prowess until i knew without a shadow of a doubt this man was the hunter we were seeking.
he thought i was weak, and then his smell changed and he stood up stronger and his eyes flashed power and hatred and he tried to subdue me. i flexed my super hero powers and ka-pow, whacked him unconscious, just as his knife came down onto my skin.
this is what happens when i wake up at 5am to pee, and then go back to "mr. sandman land" until my alarm rings at 6:15...
Monday, September 3, 2007
married men, are quite puke-y
i mean, married men of our generation, just to clarify. what a far cry from the times of my Dad and my beloved Uncle Sarge. of Uncle Handsome in Adelaide. and uncle Socka. when these original gentlemen were in the game. quietly romantic, faithful to a fault, never offensive to women. in addition... think romance, think Autumn Leaves. think respect for spouse. think discreet. sigh.
i mean married men today. what is up with that ring? that ring is usually just a neon beacon for "talk to me. i am vulnerable. and i am trapped. and i need a special friend. and i like you". and boy-o-boy. i have many such "friends" - i.e.: cousins removed; friends of friends; husbands of friends; acquaintances; ex-work colleagues; and even my own sibling. so it is not that i am sitting on my ass making all this up. the drama i have witnessed vicariously and have personally experienced.. starting with the text messaging. then the thinking and speaking out loud of all the 4th-gear insinuations that "we" should go with the flow. that "we" should not have boundaries. that "we" should not be afraid.
well, i say: grow-up.
it is SO not a "we" thing. it's a YOU + YOUR WIFE THING. life when you are married equates boundaries. you walked those "saat phere" so you only get freedom when you are doing it with your wife. other than that, you should be very afraid. that one wrong card falling out of place is your entire life gone down the toilet. especially when you have children. (and especially when one of them kiddies is a girl. think karma dude!) and that MOST single women almost 40 today? we choose to be single, and are not suckers for this "live life dangerously and see where it all ends up cos you have been missing out" crap. that we lose just a little more respect for you, and we shake our heads, and say: poor wife-y man! what an arse to be married too. thank God he is "just a friend".
i mean married men today. what is up with that ring? that ring is usually just a neon beacon for "talk to me. i am vulnerable. and i am trapped. and i need a special friend. and i like you". and boy-o-boy. i have many such "friends" - i.e.: cousins removed; friends of friends; husbands of friends; acquaintances; ex-work colleagues; and even my own sibling. so it is not that i am sitting on my ass making all this up. the drama i have witnessed vicariously and have personally experienced.. starting with the text messaging. then the thinking and speaking out loud of all the 4th-gear insinuations that "we" should go with the flow. that "we" should not have boundaries. that "we" should not be afraid.
well, i say: grow-up.
it is SO not a "we" thing. it's a YOU + YOUR WIFE THING. life when you are married equates boundaries. you walked those "saat phere" so you only get freedom when you are doing it with your wife. other than that, you should be very afraid. that one wrong card falling out of place is your entire life gone down the toilet. especially when you have children. (and especially when one of them kiddies is a girl. think karma dude!) and that MOST single women almost 40 today? we choose to be single, and are not suckers for this "live life dangerously and see where it all ends up cos you have been missing out" crap. that we lose just a little more respect for you, and we shake our heads, and say: poor wife-y man! what an arse to be married too. thank God he is "just a friend".
what makes a ghost??!
have you ever thought about it, i mean like as in really pondered the question? versus just going by the typical Hollywood interpretations.
in Hindi, a ghost is called a Bhoot, and so doesn't really sound very scary to me, ahem, being a non-native Hindi speaker myself. i wonder what the scariest word we have in Bahasa Malaysia would be? "hantu"? "pocong" (this contributed by LWB; but she thinks it is a corpse, covered in a white sheet!). anyway i seriously digress.
i just wanted to say that i think i know the answer!!!
you see, i was lying in bed, napping one afternoon over our long Merdeka week-end, and with my very heavy black-outs, one can almost think it is genuine night-time, such bliss. when i suddenly thought of camo. this in itself is not unusual, as i sleep every chance i get on any given week-end AND i have been thinking of camo daily since she passed on.
i was already waking up so it wasn't purely a dream. neither was it a completely conscious thought. i was waking up, thinking of camo and then suddenly i heard this whisper. it was more a breathing into my inner ear, and then suddenly there were words inside my head. and in my subconscious, i immediately knew it was her, or my need to connect with her.
it was like she was "standing" just inside my bedroom, whispering to me through my mirror, and i got a deep immediate sense that she was blissfully happy. and she was whispering a question to me... "what makes a ghost?"
we had a rapid back and forth flow of words. no other way to describe it really. there were no real sentences. just an exchange of feelings, and mutual thoughts all tumbled together, and flashing images. and i "heard" through this channel of communication that ghosts often exist only thanks to the living. to those of us that are "left behind" that feel a loss so immensely, we start to fill that vacuum with our hopes that the dead are still here with us. lingering and participating and our conversations with them are ever on-going. we still have this unfinished business we need to off-load. and this is how a ghost is created.
do i think i am being haunted??! NO! for i know without a doubt that she is in heaven now. plus you are so not listening to how we create this connection in our minds.
do i believe in ghosts the Parapsychology way?? YES! i wanted to study the subject as my first degree (a story for another time!)
but this whispered conversation, i think this was merely a self-creation because i got an email from David Nic last week and he asked for my mailing address as camo left behind something he thinks she would like for me to have. and i have been carrying all these unfinished conversations in my mind. and it makes for a saner way to eradicate the whisper don't ya think?
in Hindi, a ghost is called a Bhoot, and so doesn't really sound very scary to me, ahem, being a non-native Hindi speaker myself. i wonder what the scariest word we have in Bahasa Malaysia would be? "hantu"? "pocong" (this contributed by LWB; but she thinks it is a corpse, covered in a white sheet!). anyway i seriously digress.
i just wanted to say that i think i know the answer!!!
you see, i was lying in bed, napping one afternoon over our long Merdeka week-end, and with my very heavy black-outs, one can almost think it is genuine night-time, such bliss. when i suddenly thought of camo. this in itself is not unusual, as i sleep every chance i get on any given week-end AND i have been thinking of camo daily since she passed on.
i was already waking up so it wasn't purely a dream. neither was it a completely conscious thought. i was waking up, thinking of camo and then suddenly i heard this whisper. it was more a breathing into my inner ear, and then suddenly there were words inside my head. and in my subconscious, i immediately knew it was her, or my need to connect with her.
it was like she was "standing" just inside my bedroom, whispering to me through my mirror, and i got a deep immediate sense that she was blissfully happy. and she was whispering a question to me... "what makes a ghost?"
we had a rapid back and forth flow of words. no other way to describe it really. there were no real sentences. just an exchange of feelings, and mutual thoughts all tumbled together, and flashing images. and i "heard" through this channel of communication that ghosts often exist only thanks to the living. to those of us that are "left behind" that feel a loss so immensely, we start to fill that vacuum with our hopes that the dead are still here with us. lingering and participating and our conversations with them are ever on-going. we still have this unfinished business we need to off-load. and this is how a ghost is created.
do i think i am being haunted??! NO! for i know without a doubt that she is in heaven now. plus you are so not listening to how we create this connection in our minds.
do i believe in ghosts the Parapsychology way?? YES! i wanted to study the subject as my first degree (a story for another time!)
but this whispered conversation, i think this was merely a self-creation because i got an email from David Nic last week and he asked for my mailing address as camo left behind something he thinks she would like for me to have. and i have been carrying all these unfinished conversations in my mind. and it makes for a saner way to eradicate the whisper don't ya think?
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