personal demon

okay, truth be told? to find out that for 7 long years i have indeed had a bona fide personal demon residing inside of me, living in the base of my spine, in the pit of my stomach, free roaming behind my eye-lids, all courtesy of a bastard-ex? yes, this has been shocking!

and the many subtle and sometimes obvious interventions that have got me here, to this exact place in the space and time continuum, where i am blessed to receive these confirmation messages that said to me "yes, these voices inside your head, the ones that have clamored so loudly, negating so brutally every positive iota that your soul has ever tried to put out and for so long, they are real." yes, they were indeed real. and now IT is gone. just like that... snap your fingers, count to three!

bliss! suddenly to have a this feeling of utter contentment permeating my awakening soul. to experience such a raw silence so deep inside my brain. to meander slowly towards regaining this feeling that i am finally me again. confident that i am alone now, in my own skin... that there really is no one else inside here with me watching and waiting, constantly second guessing me, making my personal worth shrivel and decay. this has truly been a miraculously and liberating intervention by God Himself.

and this bastard-ex... to have hated me so. to have wanted to spite me so and so maliciously. yes, it was shocking when i first learnt about what he had done to me and about how long it had lingered. but it was not surprising to me. it felt instead like all the pieces of what i have been absorbing on my spiritual journey, all that i have ever instinctively known, they all fell so instantly into cuttingly jagged shards to form this panoramic blueprint of the AS IS. and all its then associated infinite repercussions of what was and what could have been and what i needed to get done.

in the end, it merely smacked of his spineless mettle. it merely resonated of his MO of constant back-stabbing and then cowardly hiding within the long shadows of evil, slinking back into the false images of being a perfect husband, father and brother. but i see YOU now with pure naked eyes. i see you for what you truly are. and you are nothing without your lies and embellishments.

and so the deep cleansing has begun. 41 days to a better me... a more complete me. the real me even.

stepping back: i sometimes wonder how many of my life's decisions did i make under the influence of a false conscience? how many harsh words have i spoken through flashes of anger that didn't belong solely to me?
i will never know. but strangely to that sentiment (of not knowing), i feel no sense of any real loss. only a slightly sore realization that my past 7 years have not been healing ones. that i have not really been walking outside in the sun. instead i have been influenced to draw the parameters of my life, my reality, smaller and closer to me. to the point that i regularly choose to stay in my bed, under my blankets, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

bring it!

~written by Ariel; 1st published Monday, August 24, 2009. 9 days post cleansing~