with Friday being a public holiday and all. bliss :) i am heading home to the Island to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday this week-end. so double reason for blissfulness :)
i am even beyond meeting Mr & Mrs. Twit over Mom's birthday dinner. i am that happy, just to be going home (to have a home), to see Mom & Dad, to be a little girl all over again.
i think there is a lot to be said for jade, lavender, green and otherwise...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
comings and goings
often you meet someone that starts to exist, only in your mind. and you don't even realize this. and then it's just too late. i mean he is real. for all intents and purposes. other people see him. your friends know him. he even comes and goes. eats. craps. fucks. works at a job. is on facebook. but you accidentally start creating fantasy bits of him in your mind. the little things that you fluff over. to compensate. and that makes him unreal. because the person that lives in your mind, that you communicate with through the lenses of your own self-created deception, he ain't the walking flesh that covers the backbone that he was born with. he is less. he is ill-fitting against the mental prowess you afforded him. your mind is a fertile landscape that paints over all the cracks and rotting behaviors. and then you wake up. and find you were standing up, already wide awake(!). and you can't even say you were heartbroken. because he is mostly made up.
~1st post by Ariel. dedicated to The Count. written Wednesday, August 5, 2009. 10 days before cleansing~
~1st post by Ariel. dedicated to The Count. written Wednesday, August 5, 2009. 10 days before cleansing~
goodbye Ariel :)
there is a light inside each and every one of us, but the darkness of reality often gets in our way. without the dark, there can be no light, and without a way to balance the both there can be no humanity. may the light succeed.
~Ariel's profile~
~Ariel's profile~
so maybe today i am giving up to the dark?
i am sure we all have days like this. days where you just feel tired of being good. days where you just want to sit with your half bottle of Chivas and drink it in "glugs" on the rocks. days where you want to stay on your couch, un-showered staring at a (hopefully working) TV, watching images of an actor playing parts of your life, pulsing and flashing as your brain thankfully sinks into the clouds of being border-line drunk.
days where you want to rant and rave and say what you really feel. days where you want to shout out and scream and shake your wrathful fists at the people that have hurt you, that have let you down, that have made you taste the bitterness that many a time, have become your life's memories.
but instead, i woke up, lit the candles on my altar, burned some incense, said my prayers with an open heart, showered, got dressed, came into work, smiled at everyone i met, listened actively and reciprocated positively in each and every conversation i had with a work colleague.
the balance i had to reach today was that life is what i make of it. that the reality of those bitter memories have not become my life's worth. that i can only keep moving forward, and that i am exactly where i am meant to be.
its just that i need to make a conscious and daily choice of whether i step up into the light today, or stay cowered in the dark.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Friday, August 7, 2009. 8 days prior to cleansing~
days where you want to rant and rave and say what you really feel. days where you want to shout out and scream and shake your wrathful fists at the people that have hurt you, that have let you down, that have made you taste the bitterness that many a time, have become your life's memories.
but instead, i woke up, lit the candles on my altar, burned some incense, said my prayers with an open heart, showered, got dressed, came into work, smiled at everyone i met, listened actively and reciprocated positively in each and every conversation i had with a work colleague.
the balance i had to reach today was that life is what i make of it. that the reality of those bitter memories have not become my life's worth. that i can only keep moving forward, and that i am exactly where i am meant to be.
its just that i need to make a conscious and daily choice of whether i step up into the light today, or stay cowered in the dark.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Friday, August 7, 2009. 8 days prior to cleansing~
clouds of white
i often look to them,
these meandering clouds of white,
vigilant from my bedroom window.
i look hard,
and i look soft,
and sometimes i see.
those shapes of angels,
and demons,
of elephants and such.
and i smile to myself,
knowing that angels,
they sit out there still.
they watch us,
and watch over us,
as we pray and worry.
they walk beside us,
their feathered wings spread wide and free,
as we survive yet another dose of reality.
some say they have no real choices,
that they only have their wings tipped in blood,
summoned to stay the balance.
some say they are merely silent ghosts,
macabre in their observations of us,
unable to defend or enlighten as their powers have waned.
but i know from deep within my core, my resonating soul,
they do whisper gently to us in guidance,
they work incessantly to ease our furrowed brows.
they pick their battles, and when to step in,
bordering sometimes on interference within their world of rules,
but they fight hard and constantly to keep us from falling.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Wednesday, September 9, 2009
these meandering clouds of white,
vigilant from my bedroom window.
i look hard,
and i look soft,
and sometimes i see.
those shapes of angels,
and demons,
of elephants and such.
and i smile to myself,
knowing that angels,
they sit out there still.
they watch us,
and watch over us,
as we pray and worry.
they walk beside us,
their feathered wings spread wide and free,
as we survive yet another dose of reality.
some say they have no real choices,
that they only have their wings tipped in blood,
summoned to stay the balance.
some say they are merely silent ghosts,
macabre in their observations of us,
unable to defend or enlighten as their powers have waned.
but i know from deep within my core, my resonating soul,
they do whisper gently to us in guidance,
they work incessantly to ease our furrowed brows.
they pick their battles, and when to step in,
bordering sometimes on interference within their world of rules,
but they fight hard and constantly to keep us from falling.
~written by Ariel; 1st published Wednesday, September 9, 2009
personal demon
okay, truth be told? to find out that for 7 long years i have indeed had a bona fide personal demon residing inside of me, living in the base of my spine, in the pit of my stomach, free roaming behind my eye-lids, all courtesy of a bastard-ex? yes, this has been shocking!
and the many subtle and sometimes obvious interventions that have got me here, to this exact place in the space and time continuum, where i am blessed to receive these confirmation messages that said to me "yes, these voices inside your head, the ones that have clamored so loudly, negating so brutally every positive iota that your soul has ever tried to put out and for so long, they are real." yes, they were indeed real. and now IT is gone. just like that... snap your fingers, count to three!
bliss! suddenly to have a this feeling of utter contentment permeating my awakening soul. to experience such a raw silence so deep inside my brain. to meander slowly towards regaining this feeling that i am finally me again. confident that i am alone now, in my own skin... that there really is no one else inside here with me watching and waiting, constantly second guessing me, making my personal worth shrivel and decay. this has truly been a miraculously and liberating intervention by God Himself.
and this bastard-ex... to have hated me so. to have wanted to spite me so and so maliciously. yes, it was shocking when i first learnt about what he had done to me and about how long it had lingered. but it was not surprising to me. it felt instead like all the pieces of what i have been absorbing on my spiritual journey, all that i have ever instinctively known, they all fell so instantly into cuttingly jagged shards to form this panoramic blueprint of the AS IS. and all its then associated infinite repercussions of what was and what could have been and what i needed to get done.
in the end, it merely smacked of his spineless mettle. it merely resonated of his MO of constant back-stabbing and then cowardly hiding within the long shadows of evil, slinking back into the false images of being a perfect husband, father and brother. but i see YOU now with pure naked eyes. i see you for what you truly are. and you are nothing without your lies and embellishments.
and so the deep cleansing has begun. 41 days to a better me... a more complete me. the real me even.
stepping back: i sometimes wonder how many of my life's decisions did i make under the influence of a false conscience? how many harsh words have i spoken through flashes of anger that didn't belong solely to me?
i will never know. but strangely to that sentiment (of not knowing), i feel no sense of any real loss. only a slightly sore realization that my past 7 years have not been healing ones. that i have not really been walking outside in the sun. instead i have been influenced to draw the parameters of my life, my reality, smaller and closer to me. to the point that i regularly choose to stay in my bed, under my blankets, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.
bring it!
~written by Ariel; 1st published Monday, August 24, 2009. 9 days post cleansing~
and the many subtle and sometimes obvious interventions that have got me here, to this exact place in the space and time continuum, where i am blessed to receive these confirmation messages that said to me "yes, these voices inside your head, the ones that have clamored so loudly, negating so brutally every positive iota that your soul has ever tried to put out and for so long, they are real." yes, they were indeed real. and now IT is gone. just like that... snap your fingers, count to three!
bliss! suddenly to have a this feeling of utter contentment permeating my awakening soul. to experience such a raw silence so deep inside my brain. to meander slowly towards regaining this feeling that i am finally me again. confident that i am alone now, in my own skin... that there really is no one else inside here with me watching and waiting, constantly second guessing me, making my personal worth shrivel and decay. this has truly been a miraculously and liberating intervention by God Himself.
and this bastard-ex... to have hated me so. to have wanted to spite me so and so maliciously. yes, it was shocking when i first learnt about what he had done to me and about how long it had lingered. but it was not surprising to me. it felt instead like all the pieces of what i have been absorbing on my spiritual journey, all that i have ever instinctively known, they all fell so instantly into cuttingly jagged shards to form this panoramic blueprint of the AS IS. and all its then associated infinite repercussions of what was and what could have been and what i needed to get done.
in the end, it merely smacked of his spineless mettle. it merely resonated of his MO of constant back-stabbing and then cowardly hiding within the long shadows of evil, slinking back into the false images of being a perfect husband, father and brother. but i see YOU now with pure naked eyes. i see you for what you truly are. and you are nothing without your lies and embellishments.
and so the deep cleansing has begun. 41 days to a better me... a more complete me. the real me even.
stepping back: i sometimes wonder how many of my life's decisions did i make under the influence of a false conscience? how many harsh words have i spoken through flashes of anger that didn't belong solely to me?
i will never know. but strangely to that sentiment (of not knowing), i feel no sense of any real loss. only a slightly sore realization that my past 7 years have not been healing ones. that i have not really been walking outside in the sun. instead i have been influenced to draw the parameters of my life, my reality, smaller and closer to me. to the point that i regularly choose to stay in my bed, under my blankets, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.
bring it!
~written by Ariel; 1st published Monday, August 24, 2009. 9 days post cleansing~
grrrrrr...
so, our reunion dinner was a little bizarre. Mrs. Twit avoided me all night. no skin off my ass. except that she ignored my Father and Mother too, who is her Father&Mother-In-Law. so.. once again, it boils down to bad manners, low classedness, and plain ole assedness. (yeah, so i created the words in her honor!)
otherwise, i had a fabulous start to the Year of The Tiger. in fact, the Mrs. Twit incident was a little like the icing on the cake. cos it wasn't ME that finally let the side down. in addition, i visited 5 dear and long time members of my familial past, all in the 3 lightening swift days on the Island. our ex-gardener and my adopted grandfather, who turned 100 years old. my actual Grandmother who will be 96 this year (sadly however, she was the only "physical" visit we had as her mind is quite elsewhere). my Dad's ex-boss, who will be 91 in May. my 2 long standing "Aunt's" and soul-sisters to my Mom. 1 is active, alert, and still looks in her 50s, despite being in her late 70's and having lost her husband and daughter, and is still working as a counsellor. the other is also in her late 70's, has the most beautiful-happy smile despite her very bad knees, and failing short-term-recollection. she reminded me how special it is to be genuinely loved by a parent, as she spoke of her 3 kids (and 5 gran kiddies). my Mom and i swirled whiskies in our glasses as our eyes met repeatedly, every time Aunt forgot it was a question she has just asked. and we cheered often in silent awe for how fragile life is, and for how special we all are, individually and collectively.
i look to them each, for my deepest inspiration, and for the lessons i will need for my on-going future. i know that this will be a Year that will have its ups and downs. but i also know that i will focus on the ups this time around... as the Tiger roars into this Monkey's ear :)
otherwise, i had a fabulous start to the Year of The Tiger. in fact, the Mrs. Twit incident was a little like the icing on the cake. cos it wasn't ME that finally let the side down. in addition, i visited 5 dear and long time members of my familial past, all in the 3 lightening swift days on the Island. our ex-gardener and my adopted grandfather, who turned 100 years old. my actual Grandmother who will be 96 this year (sadly however, she was the only "physical" visit we had as her mind is quite elsewhere). my Dad's ex-boss, who will be 91 in May. my 2 long standing "Aunt's" and soul-sisters to my Mom. 1 is active, alert, and still looks in her 50s, despite being in her late 70's and having lost her husband and daughter, and is still working as a counsellor. the other is also in her late 70's, has the most beautiful-happy smile despite her very bad knees, and failing short-term-recollection. she reminded me how special it is to be genuinely loved by a parent, as she spoke of her 3 kids (and 5 gran kiddies). my Mom and i swirled whiskies in our glasses as our eyes met repeatedly, every time Aunt forgot it was a question she has just asked. and we cheered often in silent awe for how fragile life is, and for how special we all are, individually and collectively.
i look to them each, for my deepest inspiration, and for the lessons i will need for my on-going future. i know that this will be a Year that will have its ups and downs. but i also know that i will focus on the ups this time around... as the Tiger roars into this Monkey's ear :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
lavender jade :)
on topics that make me smile :) jewellery. Jade!!!
and the range of colors.
so after hours of googling, in summary Jade promotes:
practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others.
it rejuvenates you under periods of stress, reduces fears and banishes negative thoughts.
it's a balancing stone. harmonizer. lucky stone. offers (promotes) good health, wealth (prosperity) and love. helps you realize your full potential and attain purposeful goals.
Jade helps lift you out of stuffed-down emotional issues and bring them to light for resolution. dream enhancer. emotional healer. reduces tension. protection from enemies and during long journeys.
increases one's capacity to giving and receiving love.
it brings/gives:
CLARITY. COURAGE. JUSTICE. WISDOM. MODESTY.
Lavender Jade:
puts you in touch with your emotions. beneficial to people who have been hurt by love or need to discover the gentleness within themselves. helps one learn restraint and subtlety in matters of emotional importance. for repairing a broken heart.
White: problem solving.
Brown: for those entering a new phase of life, connects to earth, settles matters at home.
Green: for the management of passionate feelings (anger management); very calming.
don't even get me started on Opals!!!
psssst? so CNY at home with the freaking twits??
BRING IT BABY! BRING IT!
and the range of colors.
so after hours of googling, in summary Jade promotes:
practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others.
it rejuvenates you under periods of stress, reduces fears and banishes negative thoughts.
it's a balancing stone. harmonizer. lucky stone. offers (promotes) good health, wealth (prosperity) and love. helps you realize your full potential and attain purposeful goals.
Jade helps lift you out of stuffed-down emotional issues and bring them to light for resolution. dream enhancer. emotional healer. reduces tension. protection from enemies and during long journeys.
increases one's capacity to giving and receiving love.
it brings/gives:
CLARITY. COURAGE. JUSTICE. WISDOM. MODESTY.
Lavender Jade:
puts you in touch with your emotions. beneficial to people who have been hurt by love or need to discover the gentleness within themselves. helps one learn restraint and subtlety in matters of emotional importance. for repairing a broken heart.
White: problem solving.
Brown: for those entering a new phase of life, connects to earth, settles matters at home.
Green: for the management of passionate feelings (anger management); very calming.
don't even get me started on Opals!!!
psssst? so CNY at home with the freaking twits??
BRING IT BABY! BRING IT!
i am surrounded...
i am surrounded by ass-holes. and trying to get away from them is a hard thing to achieve, when you have common parents.
so there. i have said it!
and now, i am looking forward to a looong week-end of fake Colgate smiles and quiet thoughts of murder... as i face 4 days of egotistical twits that think they rock and i am anal. blah. blah. blah. i think even lavender jade ain't going to fix this one.
so there. i have said it!
and now, i am looking forward to a looong week-end of fake Colgate smiles and quiet thoughts of murder... as i face 4 days of egotistical twits that think they rock and i am anal. blah. blah. blah. i think even lavender jade ain't going to fix this one.
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